i miss you i miss you to Pluto and back and around the sun a hundred times and back to Pluto and laced through all of Saturn’s rings and the length of fifteen, twenty, fifty, a hundred Jupiter’s i miss you 

but that is not enough to reach heaven

that’s my only reason to maybe believe in god

i would be a hateful christian. i would believe but i would curse the existence of god for taking things away and making me hurt and making me volatile and nasty and crass and cold and unwilling and taking you away taking you away first of all,

so i don’t want to believe because i don’t want to feel those things,

but i will feel those things if it means you are in heaven

a fun game of that is fucking stupid as hell so why am i jealous

i am tired of being a ghost without the perks of being a ghost

i am worse i am worse i am a thousand times worse

you golden pedestalled fucking holy grail

i am dirt i am scum

pond scum scraped off the top with a knife and flicked into a bucket to be poured on waste and let rot because my entire existence is that of existing to putify all around my

i am green and i am red i am disgusting i am sick and i hate it i am all of those things in nearly the worse kind of way

not the worse because i can never be the most of something

the bottom of everything but the bottom itself

pond scum is a dirt that floats on the surface, because it’s too weak and pathetic to sink

it’s too full of air

boiling raging air

a tiny bull can run into the wall as many times as it likes but it will not be seen heard felt recognized or noticed

children will be seen and not heard

the angriest bull child ever to exist

i want lots of things but i want them in a situation where i neither asked for them or realized they held significance,

there was going to be more to this but i was disgusted with myself

i sent one of my best friends a picture of my hair because i dyed it and he was making fun of it

as a joke but it

really upset me god what’s wrong with me

i knew it was a joke but i just got really pathetically upset

i am an angry baby crying for attention and love and i want to be interesting and speculative and strange and beautiful in the ways that i exist and do things but i’m like a black mud that wants people to like it

and people can say everyone is amazing they can scream there’s something to love about everyone until they’re blue and red in the face and their teeth are blasting out with the force of their words

yet here i am black mud and no one cares i am not interesting i am not strange i am not a spidery and alien boy that people wonder about no one will ever want to take a photo while i watch the sunrise alone in my underwear and no one will ever want to touch my eyelids while i’m sleeping and wonder what twitching eyes see and i KNOW WHY BUT I STILL DON’T LIKE IT FUCK fucki ng fuckinfg fucking hell 

kiss your partners imperfections and tell yourself you’re loving and accepting because i know your not but at the same time you are you’re just normal and i am pathetic and needy and

this is directed at no one im just angry all of the time

maybe it’s dumb to try and realise your dreams because then the line between what’s real and what’s in your head starts to blur more and dang mines already fuzzy

i am alone too much for someone who is very sad and very opposed to being alone 

but being around people is difficult and worrying and makes me nervous and more unhappy 

and if both of those options make me unhappy how am i supposed to get happier

i am watching star trek and i like spock because 

being uncomfortable and at war inside yourself and also having to try and retain a “normality” which is uncomfortable and alien for you and everyone else around follows but feeling conflicted because something of it calls to you and you can’t decide if you want to constrain to it by choice or because you must and being confused because your conflict conflicts itself and confuses you

but i don’t like saying it because everyone likes spock

so i like sulu

i can’t draw or act i am pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

(they are my two very favourite things and i am disgusted by the fact that I can’t do either of them)